"Maybe that's a huge lie. Maybe, just maybe, you haven't moved on at all! Maybe you've thought of me all day. Maybe there wasn't a day that you beat yourself up for everything you've done, for everything bad you've caused. Maybe there wasn't a day that went by that you didn't look up at the sky and hope with all your might that I was looking too. Maybe you've been with other people, thinking you loved them when all you had in your heart was just one, who now despises you. I swallowed his statement, feeling my throat tighten. His voice was firm, but at the same time it trembled hoarsely. "Maybe you've done all that!" Because that's what I did! I was an idiot. A tremendous selfish. I know that. I know I deserve a lot of punishment, I deserve to be alone. I know I did it all wrong. I know I should leave, but I can't! What can I do if I still love you? Tell me. Because that's the truth. I love you. I'm not lying. I still want you. More than that. I need you. I need you now, in my arms, to make you feel mine. Because I'm yours. I never stopped being yours. This stupid, selfish, idiotic and flawed but completely crazy about you is yours! Totally and completely yours.
"Please, Igor..." I said, putting my hand on my heart. Trying to contain it. Don't talk like it can still work.
-But you can! It can if we try. He moved closer and I walked away, taking two steps back.
"I don't like those maybes. I murmured, weakly.
"Haven't you noticed?" They are the truth!
"What's the point of these 'maybes' being true if we're so hurt?" I can't forget. It's not just about us. What about my sister? She's hurt and hates me now. And everything else? Everything? It's not that simple. You were childish and so was I. Not me... I don't know how to deal with everything.
- You can't handle it or don't want to?
-I... I do not know. I don't know if I want that. I can't stand it. We're not ready to deal with those feelings again and everything that's going on around us, you know? I always get hurt and so do you. I don't think we work together, no matter who we love each other, or whatever that feeling is. We always fight, something always goes wrong. I felt the cake rise in my throat and I tried to control the tears, trying to let my words come out firm. "Whether it's my inconsistency and lack of patience, or whether it's your selfishness. You can't, you know? I really can't imagine the two of us. No more. It hurts, but it's the truth. We shouldn't be together, it's not right. I love you, but... I can't imagine myself next to you. I'm sorry, Igor. His expression faltered and I felt my heart clench. You know that story that the truth hurts? It's the absolute truth. Everything hurts. Not just the truth, but what it brings with it. The shattering of dream illusions. It brings reality. And reality frightens, terrifies you, represses you, and drives you mad. More than that, it destroys. Igor's face was close to mine, I lowered my head, not wanting to look into his eyes. His fingers were paralyzed on my chin, so he lifted it up, making me look at him.
-Please. Two words, whispered, made everything crumble inside me. I felt the tears wetting my face. But I couldn't take back what I had said. It hurt, it hurt a lot. But I couldn't imagine myself next to him. Not now... Not like that. I didn't know what I wanted, but when I saw his fingers letting go of my face, and pulling away I felt myself sink even deeper into melancholy and sadness.
"I lied about my old girlfriend and I lied about your sister. I loved neither. I thought I loved the first one and tried to force myself to love the second one. All the loves I thought I felt were fake loves. Riding on my insecurity. And you, being the most complicated love, the most right and wrong was the true one. I feel worthless for making you not love me anymore. But I'm yours and I'll be waiting as long as it takes, Malu.
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