My Sister's Boyfriend
48

Then he came closer, kissing my forehead. I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation. Then, he was gone. The closeness of his body disappeared. And I was alone. Again. He was gone. And the truth of his words still made me shudder and vibrate. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know what to feel! I was terrified and lost. And all I noticed was that it hurt.

It hurt horribly. I couldn't imagine myself next to him, but I still loved him. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why did I have to be this way? Why couldn't I forgive? Damn traumas. Damn insecurities. Damn loves. That confused me, messed me up, changed me, and made me become this useless fearful person. Return. It was the word that rang in my ears. Confidence returns. Come back, Igor. Come back love. Come back Malu. But it didn't matter how loudly I screamed in the silence. I was alone. The beach and me.

And I knew that everything depended on me now and it terrified me. (...)

Practically two months without speaking to him. What was on my mind when I did all that and let a boy on the beach approach me? It had changed more things in me than it really needed, it had changed my way of looking at things, the world, books, myself, everything! I was 16 years old and wished I had never fallen in love.

I had spent those two months absolutely alone. I decided to spend the rest of the vacation with my father, but now I was home, I had arrived this morning. I wasn't talking to Alexander, ignoring all his phone calls and isolating myself from the world. A drastic and idiotic attitude, but a necessary one. I couldn't bear to think about Alexander now. Because I didn't feel like things were the same. Anyway... I had lied. I had pushed the friend away as well along with the boyfriend. I know he's been hanging out with Ceci, things moving slowly between them. My mom always tried to talk on the phone and keep me informed. But really, I don't want to know. I don't know if I'm ready to see Ceci with my ex-boyfriend again. It's kind of unreal. To see them kissing, touching. It's like a dejavu. Like I remember her kissing Igor, her doing all that to Igor. Aff, it's too much for my head.

That's exactly why I avoided thinking about him either. I loved him. Perhaps. I missed him terribly, but I was relieved that I didn't have to look at him every day. It's a very bipolar and nonsensical thing. But it's true. It hurts to be without him, but seeing and not being able to touch him is worse. So I stay here in the room, vegetating. Without making a decision. Two months have gone by so fast that I wonder sometimes if it's not time playing with me. It felt like I was permanently standing at that point. In that instant on the beach. The wind blowing through my hair, my hands empty, the sky darkening. And I felt like I was sinking so deep into the pit of loneliness and self-pity that it was ironic.

You might be thinking: Why don't you run after him, Malu? It's because, I don't know if I want to. I wasn't lying or exaggerating when I said I couldn't see myself next to him. It's true. Sometimes love isn't everything... But love is the basis of everything. For forgiveness, for reconciliation, for pain... For everything. It's not entirely over yet. Love may often not be enough, but it is enough. The rest will be taken care of. My own voice rumbled in my mind. I had already told this to one person. When I was innocent and had never felt love on my skin. I sank my head into the pillow in annoyance.

I stood up, tired of standing still. I walked through the door of my room, wanting to get out of the room before it suffocated. I jumped down the stairs, in an act of sheer boredom. I stopped at the last one, listening around. The house was empty. God knows what everyone got themselves into. I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. Watching any program.

I stretched out my legs and placed them on the coffee table. Glad my mom didn't see that scene.

You know that story that tragedies come at the worst time? Or that take you so much by surprise that it seems like it's just a dream. Or a bad joke? That's how I felt after a phone call. I was still watching TV, so pathetic in that lonely position and wasting time because I'm proud. My brain was semi-shut down. My mind was on other worlds. Some happier, no brothers-in-law or frustrating summer vacations. And pathetically, Igor managed to show up in my fantasies of happiness. Like he's chasing me. It took me a while to notice the phone ringing.

On a normal day I would ignore it, the phone call wouldn't be for me. Anyone who wanted to find me would call me on my cell phone. But that day I was looking for a certain voice on any call. If that included disappointing me by being some collector, I didn't really care. I picked up the phone, quickly. The taking the ear quickly. Before it stopped playing.

-Hello? I asked, half-choked.

-Cecilia? The unfamiliar male voice made me sink into the couch. It was obvious that he would be an admirer of Cecilia.

"She went out with her boyfriend. I informed, bored.

"Who's talking?"