A Howling Heart
Chapter fifty-three

This level of weakness is unknown to me. Logic evades me. I cling to despair and let her tempting hands encircle my throat. "I must die!" Protesting howls and voices boom around me.

"Matias, no!" Mason shouts his protest.

"No!" Tonya cries out.

Cara seethes with rage. "How could you! You are our Alpha. Not just Fae's but ours too!"

My hands clench into fists, and I pound one against my chest. "What Alpha can I be? I will succumb to the fate of the curse! I will not change!" Tonya sniffles. "But what about Esai?"

"That was unheard of. An anomaly. I will not be so lucky! I am just speeding up the inevitable."

Tonya shakes her head. "You may be the exception!" No, Matias. I won't let you!

Maybe it won't do any good...

Maybe they are right...

The thought of abandoning my pack is unfathomable.

Only cowards abandon their pack.

I was not raised to be a cower.

But I was not raised by my father.

I was raised by a man who betrayed me.

I swallow, my throat stinging with unshed tears. Tears, which I've always believed made me weak - so I suppressed them my entire life. But Fae has brought that emotion out in me.

Our connection goes more profound than anything I've ever felt.

I will cry as I mourn her.

I will cry until my tears have gone dry and I've perished to dehydration.

Because our bond is spiritual.

"You can still lead a fulfilling life. You can still rule our pack. We will bow to you.

I will be whatever you need. I will provide an heir-"

I release Fae, moving quickly to grab a hold of Tonya's throat. She gasps, choking beneath the weight of my fingers as they dig into her flesh. "Do you need to be reminded of your place? You are not my mate. Not my chosen one!

How dare you offer something you're in no position to offer! Fae is the only one who was worthy of providing me an heir, and she's gone!"

I squeeze tighter to the point she's flailing.

"I should crush your neck for the utter disrespect."

"Matias, please. You're not thinking clearly," Mason interjects on Tonya's behalf.

I release her throat, and she gasps, twisting and moving far away from me, shielded by the shadows of the trees.

I'm thankful for the distance, fearing I'll snap her neck next.

As if she compares to Fae.

Mason addresses me cautiously. "Let me carry, Fae, Matias."

Matias can "I can carry her myself," or "Let Mason bring her inside."

I wave a dismissive hand. "I can carry her myself!"

I snarl at him before scooping Fae into my arms and carrying her toward the mansion. I peer at her, disappointed in the fact there's no life in her. No shade to her cheeks. No tiny twitches of her eyes or lips. She's so fucking far out of reach.

Cloaked in the darkness.

Once inside, I climb the steps and move quickly to my bedroom, where I deposit her onto the bed.

Mason clears his throat. "Sir, do you need any-"

"Leave me!" I snarl.

He bows his head. "As you wish."

What do I have to do to trade places with her?

My eyes scan the room, moving over leather-bound books tossed carelessly about before I move to them quickly.

There has to be something.

Anything.

I will burn this whole world to the ground if it means I can take her place.

My fingers skim the bindings of a book before I pull it open, and my eyes skim the Latin text. I look for something about mates. Anything about resurrection.

No.

I move to another book.

Nothing.

Then another book..

"Why is there nothing? Nothing to help me! There is nothing!"

I swipe the books off the bookshelf, kick the wood, and watch it explode into splinters. I move to the lamp, smashing it, then over to the dresser, where I rip drawers from within it. Chaos is all that consumes me.

When there's nothing left to destroy, I move back toward the bed. I kneel beside her, pressing my forehead against the mattress.

"Please, God, bring back my mate. I am begging. Bring her back to me."

A knock on the door causes me to draw my head up from the bed. I rise, moving towards it before ripping it open fiercely enough to rip it from its hinges, but all it does is groan. "What?" I bark at Tonya. She firms her lips, fear in her gaze as she steps back and wraps her arms around herself.

"I just wanted to apologize."

"Your apology means nothing. You know the role of a wolf. The place of the Alpha and his mate. How that law is absolute. Yet you still got in the way. Still tried to change what will be." Her eyes are glossy with unshed tears. She swallows before stammering a soft, "I- I love you."

My eyes widen a fraction as I stare at her pink-stained cheeks. She's embarrassed at her admittance. She rubs her arms soothingly and awaits my reaction. As if I'll be overjoyed. As if it'll be the saving grace that rescues me from despair and imprisonment.

It's anything but a savior. It is a burden. It is what I've always known. That Tonya has been too invested in what was only physical diversion while I waited for my true mate to return to me.

All that fills me is anger.

What does she want me to say?

I love my pack.

But I do not return her feelings.

"I love you,” She states more firmly. "I always have. I- I wanted to be your mate. Prayed for it."

Tonya's eyes shift past my side to see Fae on my bed. Her brows furrow and she slowly shakes her head.

"Yes. I was jealous. Before her... you and I -"

I sigh, and she continues, her eyes moving over my lips.

But that was before.

That was a feral need.

Something every Alpha has before his mate is genuinely presented in his life.

Tonya shivers. "You and I..." She struggles to get the words out. "I've never felt this way about someone. But regardless... I shouldn't have brought it up while you were mourning." I'm still mourning.

Fae's body isn't even cold yet.

I cannot just forget my mate and move on.

These are the thoughts of a jealous woman...

I shake my head.

"No, you should not have brought that up. Fae is your Alpha just as much as I am.

We are bound. You disrespect her. You disrespect me."

I don't want to deal with this.

I take a step back, and Tonya frowns.

"Oh well, her mother would like to see you."

I'm surprised her mother asked for me. She hasn't exactly been a fan of my presence. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she screamed at me. She was right about keeping her daughter away from me and safe. I should've let them go.

I twist my head and glance back at Fae.

But I don't think she would've gone.

Our bond was too strong.

It still is, even in death.

I cannot leave her side.

I grit my teeth, tightening around the doorknob.

Just go see her mother.

She will be there when you get back.

"I cannot. I must stay by Fae's side. "

"For how long?"

I glare at Tonya.

"For as long as I see fit."

"I apologize, sir. She's really torn apart. She wants to see you. She's begging."

I sigh. I know deep down that if Fae were there, she'd be prompting me to go to her mother. As if I were talking to Fae, I would respond in my head.

As you wish, my love.

I nod, closing the door tightly behind me.

"No one goes in this room."

She nods, eyeing the door a little longer than I'd like before I move through the house.

"Where is she?"

"She's in the living room."

I'm aware of Tonya following behind me.

"That'll be all, Tonya."

She stammers her reply. "Y-yes, Sir. Sorry to bother you."

When I get to the living room, Fae's mother- Mariah- is no longer in wolf form. She's shivering, sprawled out on the couch. Her forehead is beaded with sweat. She eyes me warily as I enter the room and tightens her grip on the blanket. Her wounds haven't fully healed.

"Matias."

The malice I expect in her voice is absent. My confusion knits my brows together, and I crack my neck, tighten my hands into fists, and step forward.

"Mariah, how are you?"

She shivers and shrugs.

"Confused. Hurt." She sniffles, and I finally notice the sunken look on her face, red nose, and glossy, bloodshot eyes.

She's been crying.

Mourning her daughter along with me.

"Where is she?"

"My bed."

Mariah nods. "Can I see her? Before you -"

Although she doesn't finish that sentence, I know she was meaning before I dispose of the body. The thought of burying Fae is horrifying. In the dirt. Alone.

I won't allow it.

I'm not giving up.

I nod slowly.

"Shall I carry you?" I offer.

Mariah's eyes widened, and she shook her head. "I can manage."

I nod, admiring her strength, aware of how similar Fae's strength is to her mother's.

My Fae may be innocent, but she is fierce when she needs to be. For the people she loves, she'd do anything.

Mariah hobbles up, wrapping the blanket around herself, having been rendered naked from the transition.

Esai is gone. Now, she has nothing to worry about. She didn't fear me. Not really. She feared him.

I spin on my heel swiftly and stalk back down the hallway and up the steps. I feel Mariah's presence behind me, hobbling but continuing forward without any help. When we both finally arrive at my room, I take a deep breath and push open the door before nodding to Mariah to enter.

"Please."

She nods, slowly moving past me into the room. Her eyes lay on her daughter, and she gasps.

"She's alive!"