A Howling Heart
Chapter fifty-four

The darkness feels funny. It morphs from a cold loneliness to a warm blanket that envelops me. Within the shadows, I'm serenaded by Matias's voice, the words he repeats to me repeatedly.

Anima mea.

My mate.

My love.

I focus on those words and how they fill me with happiness and comfort, even in the blinding blackness.

If death is this, I'll remain in this cozy darkness for eternity - if just to hear his voice.

I feel like I'm floating. I somehow know I won't, moving towards his voice as if I'll reach him. Death is absolute. It's not something I can just turn on and off. It is the end of a cycle. And it's too late for me.

Still, Matias's gentle voice returns in this darkness.

I focus on those words and how they fill me with happiness and comfort, even in the blinding blackness.

If death is this, I'll remain in this cozy darkness for eternity - if just to hear his voice.

I feel like I'm floating. Moving toward his voice as if I'll reach him, I somehow know I won't. Death is absolute. It's not something I can just turn on and off. It is the end of a cycle. And it's too late for me.

I'm consciously aware of that fact.

I hope my mother survived.

The longer I wade in black, the heavier my body feels; it is even sleepy. It's almost too easy to pretend I've only fallen asleep.

And that I will return to him.

Wishful thinking.

My pain is dulled here. I'm thankful for that fact when the yearning starts to set in.

I hope whatever he's doing... he's happy.

That he can find happiness.

A surprised gasp leaves my lips when his voice gets louder.

"I'm not worthy of mourning her..."

The uncertainty of the darkness lingers within me as I continue to hear bits and pieces of his voice. His beautiful voice.

I call him, but I wonder if he will hear me.

"Matias! Matias! Can you hear me? Please find my voice! Please!"

A few minutes pass, and nothing. Not even a single utterance on his end, and I feel embraced by sorrow.

I really thought... I thought that he would respond.

Just like he always typically does...

The seriousness of the situation fully slams into me, and I gasp out sobs that rattle the darkness awake completely.

This is useless. His voice won't raise me from the dead.

This is beyond anything he can control.

I squint, eyes training on a weird glow in the distance. Fear sets in like stone, and I don't move toward it. I only observe it from afar. What is that?

It's a weird light...

Not like a light at the end of the tunnel type... but like a deep blue vibration.

I contemplate moving away from it or moving toward it.

I don't know if it's wise to go waltzing toward something you don't understand and can't comprehend.

A part of me, deep down, wants to satisfy my own curiosity, but the other part - the fight of flight part - is telling me to run as fast as I can. I can't risk it!

I turn and run, wading blindly in the darkness before I gasp when I see the light again; this time, it's a few feet in front of me.

I can't escape it.

A voice startles me, emerging through the vibrating haze of color when I'm a few feet in front of it, and a lump forms in my throat. "Child."

"Huh?" A questioning lilt to my voice echoes into the unknown.

Did she just say,... child?

An image begins to form in the light, and I try to keep my eyes closed, but it becomes too bright, so I shut them.

The unknown woman continues speaking. "You must ask permission to see me."

Is this really happening?

"Yes, child. Now do as you're told."

Fear clutches me. "No thanks," I reply, afraid of what I will see.

"Are you sure about that?"

Something in her voice... sounds warning.

She regards me with confidence, which gives me the impression that respect is deserved. My apprehension is clearly a naive move by the sound of her response. It worries me into thinking I'm making a mistake. "I-I don't know who you are. Why would I ask to see you?"

She laughs, and the sound is long and drawn out. It sends a chill down my spine.

"Because -" Through my closed eyelids, I can feel the light getting brighter, the strange heat that emanates from it. "I may be able to grant you what you most desire."

This is a trick.

"This is not a trick." She is firm.

Oh my, she can read my thoughts!

"And do much more... Fae."

She knows my name!

Her validity strikes me, and I find myself obeying.

"May I please see you?"

She laughs again, and I wince, afraid she'll deny me after being offended, but once the laughter dies down, she addresses me again.

"Yes, child. You may."

Warily, I slowly open my lids, aware now that the light isn't as blinding but instead grants me the comforting gift of sight in the darkness. When my eyes land on the woman before me, I'm surprised to find that she's young, with ebony skin and long glowing braids.

"Who are you?"

She's quiet after that question, eyes narrowing slightly as she scrutinizes me.

I.. I must've offended her.

I open my mouth to apologize, but she interrupts with a wave of her hand.

"I am Gyta. The first of the Lycan."

She closes her eyes, fists tightening at her sides, making the light pulsate.

"And you are Fae. Destined for Matias, the Alpha of Acciai pack."

That's what it's called?

"Yes, child. That is what it's called."

I say that name on repeat in my head, brows furrowing as it makes me long for Matias. My one true love.

"You were supposed to mate with him," she says.

"Yes... but -"

I move my gaze away from her, anguish draining my emotions for the millionth time. It's hard to come to terms with the sacrifice I made. What's even worse is I knew the curse would spread through him - but I hoped he'd be an exception like his uncle and my mother and that the curse would take a long time before consuming him.

And I deserve the worst fate if he does succumb to the curse. I did this selfishly without thinking of the reality of what will happen to the one man who would lay down his life for me. Matias... I am so sorry.