I Shouldn't Love Him
I Shouldn’t Love Him (Book 2) – Chapter 69

It changed the air around us. The molecules have rearranged themselves. The truth sat between us like a third person. In a way, it was. Madison was never far from my mind. I always carried it, a long ride until the day I died. “I couldn’t save her.”

Lake didn’t move an inch. She sat there so long that I looked to make sure she was still conscious. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I did not realize.”

Judging by the look on his face, I had scared him. I couldn’t stop there.

“We had a swimming pool, but that’s not what killed it. This only accelerated the process.

She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.

“What do you mean?”

“I told you my parents fought. It was a war every time. They had married young, for love.

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

” No. Not when you’re fundamentally different. My mother’s family was middle class, my father came from the wrong side of the tracks. They didn’t grow up the same way. This might be fine if you’re not as passionate as you are different. Long story short, they fought as hard as they made up.

I wasn’t sure Lake understood what I meant, so I glossed over it.

“Every now and then something in my father would backfire and he would go too far. He would hit her, apologize in tears at her feet, and that would be that. He beat me up a few times, shit like finding my dishes after a particularly bad day at work. He only hurt Madison once when she was a child. When I hit puberty and grew taller than him, this never happened to us again, just to my mother when I wasn’t around.

Lake seemed further away, his back pressed against the door. Even in the dark, I could see his ashen face. GOOD. She needed to hear that, and maybe it was better if it scared me. She had grown up as sheltered as anyone I had ever seen. Whatever schoolgirl crush she had on me, maybe this would cure her.

“He went after your sister, and you wouldn’t let him.”

I must have misheard Lake.

“What?”

” That’s what happened ?

My chest tightened. There was no way she could have known, which meant she figured it out on her own.

“Yeah. Kind of. I kicked her a*s. I didn’t know what Daddy would do, so I told Maddy to run, but she didn’t. She didn’t want to leave me . So I told her to get the hell out or I’d kick her a*s myself. I just wanted her to leave. She looked terrified, that’s how I felt, but it worked. She ran from behind.

“You did the right thing,” Lake said.

“Mads had this friend next door, Beth. They had a secret, not-so-secret hole in the fence that they used to get to the other. That’s where she was going. She ran so fast from behind. Because of me. If I had known that was the last time I would see Madison, I wouldn’t have threatened her that way. She must have been as afraid of me as she was of him at that time. “My father and I fought. I took apart everything in the kitchen: the table, the dishes, the pots and pans .There was so much shit everywhere in the kitchen. Noodles on the linoleum floor from an overturned pot. I didn’t remember getting scalded, but I had a burn from the water for a while afterwards. Broken dining room chairs. B***d on my joints. Everything falls in a second. .

“I swear I would have taken my baseball bat to him if I hadn’t heard the screaming.”

“Maddy?” » LAKE whispered.

Hearing Maddy’s name out loud, reliving the moments leading up to it, I needed to breathe. I looked out my open window.

“My mother. She found my sister floating face down in the pool. After the autopsy and all that, we figured she had slipped while running, fallen in, “He hit her head on the way down. She was unconscious for quite a long time while we were all in the house.”

I wasn’t dreaming, but every now and then I had nightmares. Pulling Maddy out of a red pool of b***d, the shock of pulling a cold body out of warm water. Trying to bring life to a stiff mouth. Breathing if hard in her that I almost passed out.

” When the cops arrived, I was still trying to give Maddy CPR while Mom sobbed on the floor next to me. But my father had cleaned himself up and calmed down. His anger was like that, quick to explode, quick to die down. He knew they would see the bruises on Maddy and my mother and the mess in the kitchen. He hadn’t punched me, but he was bleeding from a broken nose. I was the only one unhurt. When the officers asked what happened, he explained that I was mad that I was beating Maddy and so were they.

“No.

“She let you take the rap?”

“She was afraid that if she said no, they would take my father away.”

Lake readjusted his grip on his knees.

“Did they arrest you?”

“They took us both to the station. I told the cops what really happened, and they saw through the bullshit. I realized that my mom and dad would rather send me to detention than dad get in real trouble. Beth’s parents also vouched for me, said they had heard our parents argue a lot and that I had been good to the girls. I shook my head. “I wasn’t, though. . I should have had him locked up the first time it happened.

“But you were a kid. How long had this been going on?

“Their whole marriage, but it didn’t happen that often.

And I had to ask myself, how did I know I didn’t have the same thing? I got angry like any man. I tried to never put myself in a situation where I could test the switch, though.

“What happened to it?”

“My father? Prison. As difficult as it was, I had to get on the stand and convince them that he had hurt us before, even though we never filed a complaint. My mother wouldn’t do it. She tried to stop me from doing it, she didn’t see what point it would be if Maddy was gone anyway. I didn’t see it that way, though. I wanted the maximum sentence.

Lake played with the bracelets on her wrist, twisting everything in her hand.

“Did all this happen when you were fifteen?”

“do you see why I’m so worried?” It’s not just because of Maddy. I have seen and done many things that a child should not do. It changes you. I can never go back.

“I understand,” she said softly.

i. I can not believe. . and your mother ?

“Still in Pasadena. I guess.”

“You don’t know?

“I went to live with Dad’s sister. My mother was my mother, I loved her. I tried to protect her. But she chose a monster over Me.

I couldn’t go back after that. I realized that once I moved out, I resented him anyway for staying with him all that time.

I couldn’t go back after that. I realized that once I moved out, I resented him anyway for staying with him all that time.

“I wouldn’t go back there either,” Lake said.

It was his way of showing support, but just thinking about Lake in a situation like that hurt. “My aunt was fine. She didn’t forgive my dad like mom did, but she kind of checked out. She was torn about Madison and felt bad that she hadn’t done anything sooner knowing my father’s temper. So we left ourselves alone. I couldn’t give him anything. I had nothing.

“Do you still feel like this?”

“Do you?” I asked.

“No. You have something to give, I know that.

I nodded. “I’m going to help others. That’s how I’m going to give.”

“Because they believed you,” said -she pieces it all together. “That’s why it means so much to you to become an officer.”

“One of the cops that was there that night, he stopped by my aunt’s house to check on me from time to time. I made sure I stayed on track and graduated from high school. I’ve never met anyone like him before or since. Henry is a good man. This is why I want to be a cop. Help people like him. It wasn’t exactly a happy ending, but it was something. It was all I had. Everything else was mistakes, broken relationships, and losses.

“I would never have done it.” Lake’s voice shook. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have run away like that.”

Without thinking, I put my hand on her knee, covering it and more. She was far away, but I could still reach her. “I know. It just reminded me of everything, you disappear like that. His cheeks were damp. “Please don’t.” Do not Cry.

“But I… I love. This. Our… you. .”

I squeezed his leg. I understood Lake and his broken words. She didn’t mean it like she was in love with me. She was trying to say that she couldn’t hold back her tears. Couldn’t stop his heart from breaking for Madison. I loved him for that too, for a tenderness so selfless and pure that it overflowed beyond his control. She released her legs and stretched out the one I was holding. I slid my hand down to her ankle, slower than I wanted, enjoying the softness of her calf. I wanted to tell her to come here and wipe her tears. Hold her until she understood she was still safe, and I wasn’t mad. My hand gripped her ankle. I realized the thing clutched in her hand was her bra. She was still the girl I wanted to protect. No nail polish. Without makeup. Wet hair. Wanting what she wanted, no price too high. But there was more to her tonight, there always had been. The look she gave me, as if she could feel me responding to her small breasts and her pink mouth. Those gaping shorts. She was breathing hard again, but not from fear. Her tears had dried. She stuck her foot between the seats, where I had pushed the cigarettes, and pulled out the pack. “You look like you need it.”

I wondered if my face was as gray as his a minute ago. She seemed warm now, loving, but now my hands were shaking, even the one holding her ankle. She sat forward without moving her legs and turned up the stereo.

I recognized the first chords of a song before the DJ even introduced it. “. . slow things down with a little Sophie B. Hawkins,” he said. “This request goes from Naomi C. to John M., and I don’t think I have to tell you what Naomi is trying to say. It’s right there in the title.”

Lake moved closer, bending his leg between us. She picked up the pack and took out a cigarette, studying it. When she went to put it in her mouth, I grabbed her wrist.

“I just want to see what it’s like.”

I let go of her. It wasn’t like she had anything to enlighten him.

She put it between her lips, rolling them around the a*s, then took it out and pretended to blow smoke. “Did I do the right thing?”

She held it in the “V” of her index and middle fingers like her sister, of course. She probably didn’t know anyone who smoked besides us. She brought it to my mouth, and I was suddenly aware of my breath against her fingers. I took the a*s between my lips. It was sweet. Between the lake and the car, she had tasted like watermelon candy. I wanted it. Smoke, girl. My vices. But there she was, trying to be something she thought I wanted. Something I was trying to protect her from. I took the cigarette, broke it, threw it out the window. “I told you. I’m quitting.”

Before I even said the words, she leaned in, stopping inches from my face. Her sweet breath became mine. It was so easy to forget everything else with her. Being close to her didn’t feel bad. I could just immerse myself in it, I didn’t have to be careful like I did with others, like I knew that on some level she would protect me. She would take care of me. As a side effect of trying to hold back, I squeezed her ankle hard enough to make her gasp. She moved to the corner of my mouth, pressing her lips to my soft, slow skin.

“I feel very protective of you, Lake,” I whispered.

“I know.”

“I don’t want to change you.”

“You already have. I want this. I can decide for myself.

“It’s not that simple.”

She smoothed her cheek against mine. To me, it was like stroking a peach but because I hadn’t shaved, it must have been hard for her.

“I’ve never even kissed anyone,” she said close to my ear. “Never wanted to before.” It was more than I could handle It made me happy that she had never been kissed, that she had never wanted one with anyone else. Maybe she was too young for that but I also wanted to be her first. I put my other hand on her shoulder, aiming to pull her away. She lowered her head, planting little pleading pecks behind my ear that might as well have been her saying please, Manning, s “Please, please. My head fell back against the headrest. “F**k, Lake.”

With one leg still tucked between us, she hooked the other over my knee and moved my hand towards her thigh. She hummed the song “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover.”

My heart was beating. I had to stop this, but she was divine. So soft, her lips and her downy thigh, so inviting, her leg warming mine. Even her damp hair felt good in my palm. That’s when I realized my fingers had tangled themselves in her hair, covering the back of her scalp, holding her in place. While I was distracted trying to control my body parts, his k****s roamed my mouth. His hand guided mine up his leg. All of a sudden I went from pleasantly warm to burning hot. My neck, my face. My knees. The base of my c**k contracted. She was bold but hesitant, bringing us to the brink, but not brave enough to take the plunge. Her gentle k****s made the b***d flow into my crotch, flooding my guilt. She removed her hand from mine, but I didn’t move away. I slipped it into the hole in his jean shorts. She returned the favor with one hand on my zipper, right above my c**k. Her panties were wet from the lake. Some water. This f*****g dangerous black water. I was no better than her, drowning her, taking what wasn’t mine, making beautiful things ugly.

“Lake.”

“Please.” His breath fell on my lips. “A k**s. Then we can stop.

I couldn’t stop. No f*****g way. My hand got caught in her hair, and I pulled her by accident. She pulled back just long enough for I can hold her shoulders and hold her away. “We can’t.”

Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “No one needs to know,” she begged.

The headlights flashed in my rearview mirror. I I immediately spotted the reflective red and blue roof of a police car, even though the lights weren’t flashing.

“F**k,” I said, changing the song like it was porn I didn’t want to be with get caught.

Lake looked out the back window. “The police?”

“Yeah.” He had no reason to stop, but he could. We looked damn suspicious, sitting on the edge of the road in the dark.

“Can we get in trouble?” she asked.

“Can I.”

She jumped over the back of the bench, her long limbs almost hitting me in the face. There was no back seat, just a narrow space behind the front one where I had found the towels.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Hidden.” She looked at me, her eyes wide with fear. She was still just a kid. I had about ten seconds to make a decision. I respected law enforcement, but I was not naive. I knew not all cops were good. But what kind of trouble could I get into just sitting in the car with her? Would he believe we hadn’t done anything?

“I think you should come back here,” I said.

The cop flashed his lights once, a clash of red and blue. He wasn’t going to pass.

“I can’t.” His voice cracked. “I don’t want you to get in trouble.” He’ll tell Gary. Maybe even my—my father. .”

If the cop wanted to see her ID and she didn’t have one, he wouldn’t let it go. She wasn’t eighteen, not yet. I was with a minor who had taken off her bra. We were both wet from swimming. I really doubted he would let us go, which meant taking us back to camp, Gary said. Gary and I were cool, but he never let me get away with it. These children meant everything to him.

He would tell Charles Kaplan. Lake’s dad would destroy me, no doubt, but what about her? He was her world.

“You’re right, he could give us a lift, he probably will,” I said, checking the rearview mirror. The officer had parked behind us. “But we’ll be in even more trouble if he finds you.”

“He won’t.” I can rest easy. The black and white driver’s side door opened. We had no more time. “I’ll take care of it,” I promised him. What else could I do? “Just stay still.” Do not make noise. I wiped my upper l*p on my sleeve. “I’ll take care of it.”

He took his time walking up to the window, checking my plates, looking over the truck. I turned off the heating and the stereo. The crickets were chirping. I had already been arrested. The window was already down, so I put my hands on the steering wheel where he could see them. My palms are sweating around the leather. Thank goodness we had been interrupted, not that I would have pushed him any further. Would I have?

Boots mixed in the earth. A man in uniform not much older than me appeared at the window. He shined his flashlight at the truck, barely grazing the back. “Evening,” he said. “Car trouble?” »

“Yes sir. It won’t start.

“Why did you turn it off in the first place?” He looked around. “I won’t find much help in the middle of nowhere.” “

I almost hit a coyote, I stopped and the car died on me. “

“I see.” Inside the window, I doubted he would miss Lake’s blonde hair. “License and Registration.” I considered arguing. He had no reason to suspect me of anything. It could have made things worse. things, though, and he was just doing his job. I took out my wallet and gave him my ID before leaning into the glove compartment. “I’m sorry, officer. It’s the truck from a friend. Luckily, the paperwork was where I needed it. “He was drinking, so I offered to go on a beer run.”

He read my license. “And you, Mr. Sutter? You have drank ?

“No sir. That’s why they sent me to get some alcohol. I’m just on my way home.

“Oh yeah? Where are you heading? »

“Next outing. Cub Scout Camp.

“Are you a counselor?”

“Yes sir.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to drink, but . . I would be if I were in your place. All these damn children. He nodded at me.

Shit, it was in the back seat. I turned pale, a deer in the cop’s lights. I had to find something. If I didn’t, he would have reason to doubt me and who knows where I would end up. Probably at the station, a deer in the spotlight. . of an interrogation room. I put one arm on the back of the seat. My hand touches something soft. Lake. She pressed a bottle into my hand and I handed it to her. He stuck his notepad under his arm and tried on the top. “It’s sealed, so there is no problem.”

“Great,” I said, trying not to sound too relieved as he handed it back to me.

The tension in my chest eased as the officer moved away from the window. “Get out of the vehicle, Mr. Sutter.”At first I thought he was firing me. I almost responded with “thank you”. When his words registered, however, I was suddenly frozen in place. “Pardon?” I asked.

“Out of the vehicle.”

I gently pulled on the handle. The door got stuck, so I had to push my shoulder into it. The officer stepped back as it opened.

I wanted to ask why. I had just had a little car problem – there was no reason to make a thing out of it. But I did not do it. I was guilty. Not what he thought, but I had done a bad thing tonight. If I argued, he might become suspicious and look for more than he had, which was nothing.

“What it is about?” I asked, stepping forward in the mud. I sounded guilty even to my own ears.

The officer pointed to a spot in front of me. “Go ahead and walk in a straight line for me.”